road maps for life

And mothers are their daughters' role model, their biological and emotional road map, the arbiter of all their relationships.  ~Victoria Secunda

After an exhausting Friday, I thought I'd enjoy a relaxing mani-pedi before dinner. I've neglected my nails for too long, mainly because they take light years to dry and mostly because I can't seem to find the free time to give the issue attention. And I brought Emma along. Mainly for the company and as a reward to her strong responsibility and mostly to show her that women do need to stop every now and then to care for themselves.

A dear friend introduced me to a comedian who does a bit on nail salons and I find myself chuckling remembering her imitation of true life. At one point during the visit, the gentleman working on Emma's toes asked me how many children I have. I mouthed "five"...... I've learned to quiet my voice and say it slowly, almost wanting to cover my mouth so the questioners' shocked expression is less jaunting. It doesn't matter how many times I am asked this question, I STILL brace myself for the reaction.

Yes, I have five children. Yes, five. That's right, you heard me correctly. F-I-V-E

The only time I realize what a huge responsibility FIVE children is when I'm asked how many children I have. Going to the grocery for seven people isn't a big deal. Buying movie tickets for seven people, no big deal (we go on the $5 admission nights or to a matinee). Traveling across the country with seven people doesn't even make me blink. But ask me how many children I have and the enormous weight of what I must do daily comes crashing around me.

So, I answer the gentleman's question and try not to make eye contact with the other nail technicians who are now open-mouthed and gawking. "You look so young!" I am young (or at least I feel young), but my answer hasn't changed. It's still FIVE.

My children see me parent with ease and with difficulty every day. My favorite phrase "I DON'T WANT TO PARENT THIS!" can be heard about once a week. They know my tricks, my strategies (which they too often try to circumvent, but I'm proud of their problem solving skills that will benefit them later in life), my struggles, my frustrations, my weaknesses and my strong qualities. What I try not to show them are the moments of hitting the bottom, of feeling lost or out-of-control.

As we prepare to send two teenagers out into the world in the next few years, I have come to realize they NEED to see the bottom. OK, through foggy, grimy glasses, but seen nonetheless, so they can understand the concept of putting one foot in front of the other while discerning solutions.

I didn't necessarily have an issue that needed solving last night, but I wanted Emma to experience a mom's rejuvenation process. I wanted her to see WHY I was there and HOW I would feel during and after. When she is a mom, she will need her own emotional road map. She has a great foundation now, that began when she entered school at age 4 as a high maintenance, vibrant, spirited little girl who required warm baths and a book to calm herself from the day. Her road map has the major highways, a few country roads and an a legend that's 3/4 of the way filled in.

Her road map now has an additional gas station: the nail salon.

she's a heartbreaker

I needed several "bodies" for an urban, environmental field trip last weekend and Emma volunteered herself and a few friends. She's studied along with me on my photog adventure and makes posing unnecessary for photographers - allowing focus and attention on perfecting the craft rather than perfecting the subject. She's mine, so I know I'd automatically say this, but I think she's going to be a total heartbreaker!

Things that a parent loves

wonder - one that arouses awe, astonishment, surprise, admiration 


wonder - Matt


Matthew, age 7, is a wonder. He surprises us daily. Literally, daily.

Matt is in a total communication classroom in League City, TX and participates in the deaf co-op program. His teacher is an angel and we've been blessed to have her the past two years. Somehow, through some miracle, this amazing woman with the help of several aides (b/c if you know Matt, you know that pint-sized person makes the saying "it takes a village" ring true) has taught Matt to read, to solve simple mathematic equations, to write and to simply be a real kid in a real school.

Matt loves his teacher. When he returned to the school for the start of this year and saw his "Harrison", he ran full speed for her and hugged with all of his strength. He has been allowed to be himself, which can be difficult for some to handle, because Matt is a force that can't be left unsupervised long. You know your phone and keys you left on the kitchen counter? Well, he's ordered pizza and is now sitting in your car watching his favorite movie on the DVD player waiting to pay for his prize with your credit card he found while rooting around in your purse. No, this specific scenario hasn't happened.... yet.

This is a kid who couldn't even tell us he was thirsty or hungry or sleepy at the age of 2. Who had a limited vocabulary of about 5 words. Who couldn't write, draw, comprehend simple concepts. Who certainly didn't know his letters much less how to add. And then our angel appeared and through the beautiful workings of a deaf co-op system, has taught our very own little angel how to function in society. And how to write and express himself through art.

I want to share with you Matt's view of his world and the things he loves:

In tune

We have a piano given to me by my grandmother that sits prominently in our living room and is accessible to all, including those just walking past. Little fingers will reach out, strike a few keys and the stride is maintained. Other times, fingers are closed in fists with stable, planted feet and loud bursts of sound can be heard outside. (Have I mentioned we're the loudest house on the block?)

My children have not benefited from private lessons. They are self-taught, which is actually quite easy these days with instructional videos on YouTube. My oldest, Allen, seems to lead the way with new song discoveries that the other children hear and can partly reproduce. Even the deaf child who hears with bionic ears can tap out a recognizable tune. The "music" is constant, unpredictable and occurs when the mood arises. Doesn't really matter what everyone else in the house is doing and no one complains. Even when Nick "plays" and sings. Hey, if you haven't heard his version of "Margaritaville" on piano, you're missing out!

When my grandmother comes to visit, at least one child will ask for playing assistance and Memere is glad to help. Her patience and willingness to teach is much needed in this house. The fact that she raised six children is also much needed, because to stay with us is a true lesson. A lesson in the gift of silence (in small quantity here), how to get along with others, the importance of family house rules and why everyone should have a chore or job, but most importantly, a lesson in what a large family can give you. It can give you plenty of sound, at times heard in tune and at times not. When it's not in tune, it still sounds oh so good.

Small head, big heart

One of our adopted sons, Nick, has microcephaly, which means his head size is much smaller than normal. Consequently, his brain is also smaller, but he has suffers from extreme brain damage. The medical assignments are extensive and include: extensive polymicrogyria, abnormal myelination, mild dysplasia involving the cerebellar hemispheres. Nick also suffers from cerebral palsy, specifically left-sided hemiplegia, and seizures, which are currently under control with three different medications twice a day.

Oh, wait! There's more. He has profound hearing loss in his right ear with moderate to severe in his left. He wears a hearing aide in the left ear, but lately even that doesn't seem to help. Thankfully, we all know basic ASL and we're able to tell him from across the room to go clean up, etc. without informing the entire neighborhood.

Nick wears an orthotic on his left leg to stabilize his ankle and cause his heel to strike the floor when he walks. He tends to toe-walk on that side because his muscles are so tight. He has use of his left hand, but your heart will break as you watch him struggle to manipulate those fingers to button a shirt or zip a jacket. He can do it, but it takes time and enormous amounts of mental energy for his brain to tell his hand how to move.

Nick has always had issues with eating, although lately he can't get enough macaroni and cheese. His gag reflex is very sensitive and it's common to watch him choke on simple food. He's become quite good at using his tongue to push the food to another part of his mouth so he can continue to chew, but those first few months after bringing him home were nightmarish. Vomiting at EVERY meal, three times a day, seven days a week, four weeks a month, you get the idea. To see this child now go to a restaurant and actually ask for food and then eat with no issues, well, it brings tears to our eyes every time.

Nicky has global delays, which doesn't mean he's stupid. The child is quite smart and adaptable, but he's delayed. Sure we give him breaks, but he's also expected to do his chores like the other children. We always set the bar high for him and guess what? He eventually will reach that bar (OK sometimes he uses a bar stool to reach higher, literally, but I'm amazed he can keep his balance for that long while showing some serious problem-solving skills!) and we raise it even higher.

The one thing DOESN'T have issues with is showing how much he cares about you. He's a little love who hugs anyone and everyone. He genuinely feels LOVE towards you, unconditionally. And he seems to know who in the room needs that hug. After church one day, he sought out our priest at the time, who happened to be a man with little patience or tolerance for children, walked right up and wrapped his arms around the grumpy man's legs. Even said "Aw, love you!" The priest was stunned and you could see him immediately relax, almost as if Nick's loving energy passed right through his grumpiness.

So, this is Nick in a nutshell. Unpredictable, loud, whiny, energetic, enthusiastic, spontaneous, loving, caring, frustrating, challenging, joyful and amazing all wrapped in a skinny, little boy package.

Laughter IS the best medicine

Recently I asked my beloved family of 7 to join me in the woods for a whimsical tea party photo session. It was practice for me with carey anne photography as well as an inspiring group of women who are also perfecting their craft. My children are no longer surprised by my out-of-the-ordinary ideas and didn't balk as much as I'd expected. The oldest consented, although he had a million other places he'd rather be. Emma seemed to enjoy herself and willingly let the other photogs capture those brilliant blue eyes. Jess provided our jokes, including the one that almost had us in tears in the image below. Matt was..... well, as usual, Matt was everywhere. Nick was his loving self and cuddled up to anyone that had a camera and was enamored enough to let him push a few buttons. All in all, we had a good time. The children were able to see that mom isn't the only silly photog who will lay on the ground for a good shot, stand on a ladder while balancing camera in hand, make funny sounds to get someone's attention or makes the "prime lens groan".  And we ALL realized that the short walk into the woods became MUCH longer when carrying chairs, table, etc... See?  We are SOUTH OF SANITY!